March means many things- St. Patrick’s Day, longer daylight, the arrival of spring, and for many people, it’s the time to start really thinking about your garden space and how to utilize it. It’s smart to start planning now so you can plant things on time, and get seeds before they’re all gone!

But I’ll be honest. Gardening isn’t for everyone. It’s a commitment, and one you may not be up for. Let me tell you all the reasons you really shouldn’t plant a garden this year.

• You’ll spend more time outside. You will be forcing yourself to spend more time outside daily, which means a healthy dose of Vitamin D. This means you’ll have a higher-functioning immune system, and more happy, less depressive feelings. Ew. You might even get a bit of a tan- and we all know how detrimental that can be!
• You’ll be teaching your children to work. Everyone knows that kids hate to work- so why force them to do something that’s “good for them”? Why teach them the value of sticking to a project? What kind of joy can be found in watching your child’s face light up at pulling up their first root vegetable? Such a bore.
• You’ll be better prepared for emergencies. Everyone knows that the people that had to scramble to the store last year for toilet paper and Clorox wipes had WAY more fun than those that had a storage prepared. Life was meant to live on the edge, baby! Why would you spend precious time doing something that will give you food storage and valuable skills for the future, when you could not worry about it, and get the rush of finding yourself short of food/supplies during emergencies? Sounds like a buzzkill to me.
• You might bond with other people. If 2020 taught us anything, it’s to avoid people at all costs. And if you plant a garden, you might find yourself with extras that you have to just GIVE AWAY. This will increase friendly feelings and neighborly service in your area- a true hazard in our time. You might also find other people that want to talk about gardening, which means you have to TALK TO PEOPLE. You might come across as friendly, or even- knowledgeable; perish the thought!
• You might experience an increase in self-confidence. Everyone knows that when you’re actively engaged in something, and learning new skills, depression can be kept at bay, and self-esteem can rise. We can’t have this happen. We must embrace the era of anxiety/depression, and lounge in our sweats and binge on Netflix. We cannot risk doing anything that may increase our chances of happiness and self-confidence. We have an image to keep up!

These are just some of many reasons why it’s a horrible idea to plant a garden this year. If you don’t have a yard, consider yourself lucky that you can avoid this horrible endeavor! Some people find creative ways, like using their roofs, or porch or potted plants on a sill- but now you know why it’s just silly to even give it any effort!

So what’s your reasoning? Are you going to plant a garden this year? ;)

***And obviously, this article is a joke. I realize that things like COVID and depression/anxiety are very real, and I’m not trying to belittle those things in any way. Just having fun ;)***

    Camille Hoffmann
    Monthly Newsletter Contributor since 2014
    Email the author! camille@dvo.com