21 Bits of Cooking Advice You Didn’t Want and Will Not Be Grateful For
This was a difficult article to write. There are a lot of articles out there about random bits of cooking advice, and I couldn’t write my own in good faith because every time I tried, I just felt like I was stealing little bits of advice from everyone else and repackaging it all as my advice.
Let’s not do that. Instead, here’s a list of absolutely unhinged advice you would never want.
You’re welcome.
1. Blowtorch Your Toast for Maximum Crunch
Toasters? Pathetic. Ovens? Weak. If you want the crispiest, most perfectly browned toast on Earth, use a culinary blowtorch. Not only is it faster, but you also get to feel like an insane scientist setting your breakfast on fire.
2. Pancakes Cook Better on a Screaming Hot Piece of Cast Iron Stolen from a Campfire
Nonstick pans for pancakes? Cowardice. True power comes from heating a cast iron pan until it's hotter than the surface of Mercury, then cooking pancakes so fast they don’t even know what happened.
3. Vodka Stops Your Pie Dough from Becoming a Brick
Pie dough gets tough when gluten forms. Solution? Replace some of the water with vodka. It moistens the dough without triggering gluten formation, then evaporates in the oven, leaving a flaky crust so perfect it should be illegal.
4. The Microwave Will Save Your Garlic-Clogged Soul
Peeling garlic is a nightmare. But if you toss the cloves in the microwave for 15 seconds, the skin will slip off like a bad disguise in a spy movie. No more peeling like a peasant.
5. You Can Cook Steak in a Washing Machine (If You’re Insane Enough to Try It)
Sous vide cooks meat slowly in warm water. You know what else does? A washing machine set to hot. Vacuum-seal your steak, toss it in, and let the machine agitate it to culinary perfection. (Disclaimer: Do not do this unless you hate your appliances.)
6. Butter Your Peanut Butter Sandwich
You know what improves peanut butter sandwiches? More fat. A thin layer of butter under the peanut butter makes everything creamier, richer, and five times better. Accept it.
7. You Can Cook an Egg on a Newspaper Over a Candle
Place a raw egg inside a cone of rolled-up newspaper, light a candle underneath, and wait. The paper burns slowly and evenly, perfectly cooking the egg inside. It’s medieval, stupid, and somehow works.
8. Stop Stirring Your Risotto Like a Fool—Just Shake the Pot
Traditionalists say you must stir risotto constantly. Lies. Just shake the pan like you’re trying to wake it from a coma. The motion emulsifies the starch without overcooking it.
9. Want to Dry Herbs Fast? Stick Them in Your Car
If you need to dry fresh herbs quickly, don’t bother with an oven. Just put them on a tray and leave them in a hot car for a few hours. Instant herb preservation and a bonus fresh car smell.
10. Aluminum Foil Can Turn Into a Knife (Yes, Really)
Desperate times? Fold aluminum foil over itself 50+ times, hammer it flat, then sharpen it. Boom. Emergency kitchen knife. Will it work well? No. Will it work at all? Surprisingly, yes.
11. A Spoonful of Mayo in Your Cake Batter Is the Ultimate Cheat Code
Mayo is just eggs and oil, so adding a spoonful to cake batter makes it ridiculously moist. No, your cake won’t taste like a sandwich. Yes, you should try it.
12. “Exploding” Hot Dogs Taste Better
Slit a hot dog just slightly before grilling. As it cooks, the skin will explode in controlled bursts, allowing it to caramelize inside and out. It’s ugly, but violently delicious.
13. A Clothes Iron Can Cook a Steak
No pan? No problem. Wrap a steak in foil, place it on a cutting board, and press a hot clothes iron on top. Flip occasionally. It’s disgusting, but it works.
14. You’re Not Supposed to Flip Pancakes When You Think You Should
Every instinct tells you to flip pancakes when you see bubbles. That is a lie. The real time to flip is when the bubbles pop and stay open. Otherwise, you’re flipping too early like an amateur.
15. Cereal Tastes Better at Night Because Your Brain Is Lying to You
Cereal tastes objectively better at night because your taste perception dulls as the day goes on. Your brain compensates by making simple flavors feel more complex and satisfying. This is science.
16. The Best Time to Cut an Onion Is While Holding Your Breath
The part of onions that makes you cry is activated by air mixing with enzymes. If you hold your breath while cutting, you’ll make it through tear-free. (Or just wear steampunk smithing goggles like an unhinged genius.)
17. You Can Make Ice Cream in a Bag by Shaking It Like a Maniac
Dump cream, sugar, and vanilla in a zip-top bag, then put that inside a bigger bag filled with ice and salt. Shake like your life depends on it for 5 minutes. Boom. Ice cream.
18. Chicken Skin Chips Are Better Than Potato Chips and You Know It
Crisp up chicken skin in the oven, and you get insanely crunchy, deeply savory “chips” that make regular chips feel like a sad, low-fat joke.
19. Putting a Frozen Spoon on a Bottle Stops It from Exploding
Carbonated drinks fizz over when you open them too fast. But if you put a frozen spoon on the neck of the bottle before opening it, the temperature shock reduces the foam. Sorcery? No. Science.
20. Stop Using Ice in Your Iced Coffee—Use Frozen Coffee Instead
Want strong iced coffee? Freeze coffee in ice cube trays. Regular ice cubes just dilute it like a fool’s beverage.
21. MSG Is Just Pure Umami—Stop Being Scared of It
MSG (monosodium glutamate) is literally just the molecule responsible for umami. It’s in tomatoes, cheese, and seaweed naturally. Use it like salt for extra flavor and stop acting like it's poison.
Matthew Christensen
Weekly Newsletter Contributor since 2023
Email the author! matthew@dvo.com
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